To many, it seemed they were in a business paradise in which they would
become tycoons. And many did very well, though not as comfortably and luxuriously as in former times. People felt like fish in water. They could come
and go wherever they pleased, without fear of anyone. Their situation was
resolved, or so many of them thought. Even more, people thought they no
longer needed a country of their own.
Then all the prices began to rise. You had to queue for everything, from
bread to a needle. Nothing could be obtained without queueing. This was now
normal life. People stopped thinking about the future to which they had once
aspired. [48] The dreams of yesterday had faded. All they thought about was
trade, money, business, and nothing else. But I thought otherwise and looked
at everything differently. I understood life, as well as the circumstances in
which I found myself. My earlier dream continued to weave its threads about
a decent future. My longing for a real country continued. Sleeping on the floor
in the prayer house did not still my pain and suffering. My longing for my
parents, brother, and sister gave my heart and mind no rest. I realised that
to be far from home, separated from my parents and living an abnormal life,
was neither comfortable nor good.
And so, day and night I mulled over how to return home. Remaining
there was out of the question. I frequently wept bitterly. I was ragged and in
tatters, naked and barefoot, and great efforts were needed [49] in order to get
something to wear, because everything was very expensive and difficult to
obtain. The bedding I had carried on my back had been stolen after two days.
My brother-in-law was unable to get a separate flat other than his shop. There
he slept, ate and earned money. It was his dining room, his bedroom and his
office... One night I struggled with my conscience from early evening till one
o’clock in the morning. Stay or leave. Yes or no. Home or a foreign country.
My ideal or give up. A host of thoughts converged on one point. Whole scenarios
swam before my eyes. To remain in comfortable abnormality was impossible
for me. And so my conscience rightly decided that, in my situation, I had
to return home at all costs. The border was exceptionally well guarded. At the
border, people had sometimes been killed, arrested and sent to distant cold
places, but fear did not deter me. Despite [50] everything, I set off on my journey
that very night, at two in the morning.
On the way, I met some soldiers who were also returning home. I got talking
to them and they all agreed to take me with them. We went on together
